My boyfriend has a job in a different city. Of late, he has been working overtime, which leaves him practically no time for me. Spending less time communicating, in a long distance relationship is a recipe for disaster. Let’s see how my culture expects me to handle this. Which means, let’s see the success rate of (1) Long Distance Relationship + (2) Working late and less communication.
1. In Friends, when Rachel started working till late at her new job, in season 3, Ross felt sidelined and it eventually led them to go “on a break” which led to the actual break up. [Fail]
2. In New Girl, season 4, Jess’s relationship fails after Ryan moves to Wellington and fails to show up for important events in Jess’s life because of his work commitments. [Fail]
3. In How I Met Your Mother, season 1, Ted breaks up with Victoria when they’re in a long distance relationship. [Fail]
4. In Friends, season 9, when Chandler moves away to Tulsa, he actually leaves his job to be closer to his wife Monica. [Fail]
Basically sitcom culture dictates that this cannot succeed. So, should I have high hopes? Of course, sitcoms aren’t life.
So here’s my moral dilemma.
1. I want my boyfriend to excel in his work. So I should be happy that he’s investing so much time into it. But on the other hand, I’m upset that it leaves him no time for me.
2. I do believe that I deserve the time and attention of my boyfriend. And not getting it makes me feel like taking extreme steps like taking a break from the relationship.
3. However I don’t want to hurt him by taking drastic measures and almost always apologize for ‘overreacting’.
4. While I do consider myself to be an independent woman, I still want my boyfriend to support me and encourage and help me take some decisions in my own life, which he’s just not able to do these days.
5. I have a lot of resentment built up these days against him for being distant all the time even though it’s not entirely his fault. I do not understand how to channel this resentment.
Some people suggest making a pros and cons list, but quite frankly my mind these days is so flooded with negative thoughts, I really can’t see the positive side even if someone takes me to the future and makes me see it for real. So that’s not an option. I’m also known to obsess over small things, which I presume most girls do, so I’m not able to let this go and be a cool girl who is least concerned about her boyfriend’s whereabouts. Oh that adds dilemma #6 to the list.
6. I do not understand if I should even let him affect me this much. Am I supposed to be cool with everything and be okay with not talking to him properly for weeks at a stretch so that he gets less stress from me? Or is that harmful for the relationship in the sense that he stops affecting me so much that I stop caring about him. Should I care?
If my life were a sitcom, by now they would have introduced a new love angle to compensate for the lack of one right now. But since I’m the writer of this sitcom, I’m trying not to be narcissistic, however ironic that may sound.
There are also a lot of pent up energies that I have that I do not know how to channel. I have pent up romantic energies which make me want to express my heart out for the people I love and appreciate. Till now, most of my appreciation was directed towards him. Then I have pent up intellectual energies, because I love having intellectual conversations, but I don’t even have simple conversations with him any more. It’s not a great life, actually.
Perhaps, I am seeing this as a way of focusing on problems that aren’t really that urgent or immediate, and in a way neglecting those which are my most immediate concern. Perhaps I want to share these immediate concerns with someone, but I’m not able to, so I want to resolve the sharing issue first.
Being in a relationship has definitely changed me to an extent that I don’t feel comfortable sharing most of my problems with anyone else. I just don’t like appearing vulnerable in front of any one else. But perhaps if this is how it needs to continue, I’ll have to find friends and I would need to share things with them. Which brings me to dilemma #7.
7. What if this heartfelt sharing is what makes our bond stronger. If I stop doing this with him and do it with someone else, and for some reason, find a comfort level with someone else? How will that change my equation with him?
These dilemmas are probably still easier than the quantum information problem that I’m trying to solve. It’s probably time to get back to that, even though I have the least interest to.
Quite frankly, I do not want the cookie to crumble, though I do enjoy cookie crumbles. But I guess I enjoy a whole cookie better.
So this was post #1 that addressed most of the issues. With post #2 I shall have hopefully found some solutions. I do have a feeling that I have the answers to most of my questions, deep within. And as my internship professor from the summer of my 3rd year at college would say, I just need to dig a little deeper.